Shame

I haven't really posted about this, but I am going to step out of my comfort zone and talk about something personal.
I love my little baby boy, but having him was difficult. Not physically difficult, although that certainly had its challenges and its recovery period. I mean that it was emotionally difficult. All the hormones, the lack of sleep, the huge change in life and priorities and routine... it was hard. Although I love Reed so much, I was not handling things very well. It quickly became apparent that I had either Post Partum Depression or the Baby Blues. I am still not really clear on where one stops and the other starts. Although I never had thoughts of harming little Reed or myself, I did have many many many unpleasant and intrusive thoughts. I thought I was a horrible mother, that Reed would be better off without me, that life was difficult and unpleasant, that things would never get better... the list goes on and on. It was bad. I went to the OB/GYN and saw the amazing Nurse Practitioner, Donna, who I had seen throughout the pregnancy. She asked me some quesetions and determined that I had some mix of both depression and anxiety, and so she prescribed Prozac (actually it was generic prozac, fluoxetine, and it was the exact same dosage that my dog gets, which amused me!). We talked a little about how long it would take to kick in, and what side effects there might be. At this time I was still on maternity leave and the timing would be such that it ought to kick in before I started back to work.
I left the doctor's office and felt so relieved because I had finally done something to help myself and maybe there was hope. But then hubby and I googled Prozac and Nursing, since I am breastfeeding. Of course we read some terrifying stuff. The baby had already been wearing me out and fussing every night (the witching hour, the period of purple crying, or whatever you want to call it). We read that prozac can cause fussiness and sleeping problems in the babies of moms that breastfeed while on prozac. Why would I want to take something that would make things WORSE? I decided to go ahead and fill the prescription but wait to start taking it. When I got to the pharmacy, the lady at the counter was giving me the spiel about the medication, and I asked her if it was OK to take while breastfeeding. She seemed so shocked and said something like, "I'm so glad you asked, because this medication IS passed through breastmilk and should NOT be taken while you're breastfeeding." She proceeded to scare me more, and asked why the doctor would prescribe this to a nursing mom. I told her that I was relatively certaint that the NP is fully aware that I am breastfeeding since we had talked about it in my appointment. She went ahead and sold me the medication (only $4, thank you, walmart!) but I started to get upset. Then the pharmacy tech offered me some advice. What if instead of taking the medicine, I just took better care of myself? "Oh honey, I was bummed when I had kids too. Just make sure you take some time for YOU every day. Be sure to take a shower every day and wash your hair. You'll feel so much better." I started crying right there in walmart. Partly because she was being so kind to me, and partly because her advice was laughably stupid. You can't treat a chemical imbalance with a shower. And the problem was partly that I had NO time for me. When you're taking care of an infant, his needs come first. Your shower can wait. Ugh. So I took the Prozac home and had a conversation with my hubby and we decided to wait and not take it yet.
A couple weeks later I had a follow-up appointment with Donna. I ashamedly told her I had not been taking the medicine. She was frustrated on my behalf. I told her about the lady at walmart and she got kind of mad. "If she was concerned that I didn't know you were breastfeeding, she could have called me! She didn't need to upset you for no good reason." We talked more about the side effects, and I decided to start taking the medication.
Let me tell you-- best decision I've made in a long time! It really makes such a difference. Life is not perfect, there are still hard times. But now I feel like I can cope with things! I feel like there is hope, and that I can get by, and sometimes even do more than just get by! This is such an improvement over the feelings of hopelessness and overwhelming stress that I had before. And other people have noticed and commented on how 'tranquil' I am. Tranquil is not a word that I would EVER use to describe myself, but whatever. I never wanted to admit that I was on medication or that I had a hard time. There is so much stigma about it. Everyone else around me that has had a baby just makes it look so easy. You never hear about the bad times, or people never let on that they are bothered. So then when it happened to me, I felt like I was broken. There was something wrong with me as a mom. Did I not love my son enough? If I loved him, why was I not happy? Now I realize that is a trap. I can be both happy and stressed. I can love Reed Baby and still feel overwhelmed. I can feel like I am a horrible mom, but also know that I am doing my best and that the little things don't matter. I don't want to fall into the trap of not talking about the baby blues or PPD or medication, and then contributing to the problem of creating an expectation that having a baby is easy and perfect.
If you read this and you ever go through it, please know that it is OK to ask for help. It's OK to take medication or to go to therapy or to need some time away. I'm so happy I got help! If you have any questions, hit me up. Ask me about it. I used to be ashamed that I needed help but now I am just thankful that help is available! Take care. :)