Thursday, January 31, 2013
I suck.
I'm having the first (only?) hard day of pregnancy so far. This is the worst I have felt, physically and emotionally. I just want to vent about it a moment because I am really disappointed in myself, and because I want to have an accurate record of how things really were. I want to look back and see accurately that for the most part things have been pretty good, with dark spots being the exception rather than the rule. I am only 12.5 weeks along, and though I have been super nauseous every day since before Christmas, I haven't thrown up and can mostly function. Today I thankfully didn't throw up, but for the first time I was unable to take my daily 30 minute walk before work. I was just too nauseous to walk any more than absolutely necessary. I was tired, too, because I have been going to bed early this past week, but last night was up til 9:30. I know, life on the wild side, right? I just feel so disappointed in myself for not maintiaining that minimal amount of activity. On top of this, I had a bad day at work. Nothing seemed to go right. Emails from unhappy people, a computer that wouldn't start, being behind on a project.... Finally I did the unthinkable and snapped at a coworker. One that I really like a lot, too. :( instant regret. I thought "maybe he didn't notice that I tried to bite his head off..." no. He noticed. He mentioned that I have had a sharpness to my voice. As in not just today, but lately. :( oh God, have I been snapping at people this whole time and I didn't even know it? I feel like a crummy person. Everyone is cutting me slack since I am pregnant, which is super kind of them, but I don't want to turn into an unkind person. I feel awful physically and emotionally. I just need to hope that tomorrow is better. In general I am very, very happy with my life. I am so blessed, and so excited about the future. Just for today, though, I really suck.
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Congrats, lady! I didn't even know you were preggers. That's wonderful news. As for your post, glad you were able to get it out. I know how hard it is to be transparent sometimes. The key thing is, you care. You care that you couldn't take your walk. You care that you snapped at folks. You care that you don't feel yourself.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's a good first step. Be sure to give yourself some grace. It's ok to struggle sometimes. I'm glad you feel hopeful.
I don't know what your faith background is but one of my favorite Bible scriptures is Romans 15:13. It says, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
May it encourage your heart today.
Thanks, Lola! I appreciate the kind words and the scripture (I am a Christian!). :) Luckily I am feeling much better today, physically and emotionally. Hoping yesterday was just a fluke. Thanks very much!
ReplyDeleteCut yourself some slack. It's tough work growing another person. You would be understanding if it was someone else. So, forgive yourself like you would forgive someone else. I'm glad today is better.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sarah! You are right, I wouldn't hold it against a pregnant person, so I will try to move on. I just hope it doesn't happen again. :)
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