Christmas Time

My boss just shared with me a devotional from his church's webpage (http://www.cspc.net/devotionals/dec11?fullsite=2) that REALLY struck a chord with me. I am sharing it here.

First Corinthians 13- Christmas Version

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows,
strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls,
but do not show love to my family,
I'm just another decorator.
If I slave away in the kitchen,
baking dozens of Christmas cookies,
preparing gourmet meals
and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime:
but do not show love to my family,
I'm just another cook.
If I work at a soup kitchen
carol in the nursing home,
and give all that I have to charity;
but do not show love to my family,
it profits me nothing.
If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels
and crocheted snowflakes,
attend a myriad of holiday parties
and sing in the choir's cantata
but do not focus on Christ,
I have missed the point.
Love stops the cooking to hug the child.
Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love does not envy another's home
that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love does not yell at the kids to get out of the way,
but is thankful they are there to be in the way.
Love does not give only to those who are able to give in return; but rejoices in giving to those who cannot.

Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things, and
endures all things.
Love never fails.
Video games will break,
pearl necklaces will be lost,
golf clubs will rust;
but giving the gift of love will endure.

Attributed to Sharon Jaynes, taken from "Celebrating a Christ Centered Christmas"

www.sharonjaynes.com

 

 

Wow, it was really what I needed to see today. I wonder how he knew that I needed that? I have been dealing with the usual holiday blahs. We have a Christmas party at work today, and another one on Friday, but I am feeling kind of down about myself. Feeling like a terrible mom and terrible person. The holidays are so much fun-- I love decorating the tree and eating tasty food and all that, but at the same time I feel so empty and lonely. I think constantly of those that have less than I do. There are homeless people, abused people, the poor, the depressed, the sick, the alone.... I can't get them out of my mind. I am just going to try to focus on the reason for Christmas. No amount of worrying will help those people, so I will just do what I can and trust that they will be taken care of.

Reed's Baptism

Over the Thanksgiving break, our little boy got Baptized! It was a wonderful experience. My sister, Sarah, and her husband, Rick, are Reed's godparents, and so they came up from Alabama with their 4 kids and we had a great time hanging out together. On Saturday morning we got together at Sacred Heart, and were joined by many of Charles's family as my brother, Uncle Brother Father Frowin/Joseph Baptized our little guy. Then we had a reception afterwards, which Charles's wonderful stepmom and stepsis put together. Jean and Ginger did an incredible job. They even got a delicious cake from Rita's. YUM. Here's a couple pictures from the occasion.

That's my silly brother making faces at Reed while Charles and I look on.

 

And that's Reed Baby smiling in the suit that Sarah and Rick got him.

It was a wonderful experience. I was so glad that our families came together to celebrate! :)

Re-thinking Bake Sales

My brother brought some delicious goodies to my house from the parish bake sale, and it got me thinking... all of the bake sales I have ever seen involve people baking random stuff, donating it, then selling the donated goods with the proceeds going to some charity. There is surely a lot of stuff that ends up not being bought. What if we changed the way that bake sales are done? I propose that customers could submit what they would like to buy and what they would be willing to pay. Then bakers/volunteers could sign up to make those things. For instance, I want chess bars. I would pay up to $12 for some chess bars. Someone could say "oh, I love making chess bars, so I'll do that!" or "I have never made that before, but give me a recipe and I'll try it out!" Everyone wins, and no food gets wasted. What about spontaneity, though? What about the baker that has some great dish that nobody knows about, so no one knows to ask for it? Well there are bound to be people that say "I would like something chocolate, and I don't care what it is" or "surprise me!" or "some type of cookie- no nuts, though!" I think this is a brilliant idea. That said, I can't wait to go home and try the Black Russian cake that Joseph brought to us. :) :) :)

AND, if someone will make me some chess bars, I will donate $12 to the charity of your choice.

Illness

My household has been sick but we are thankfully all on the mend. It started with little Reed bringing home a bug or two. Charles got it the worst though because we suspect he caught a stomach bug AND the flu. The vomiting dehydrated him so badly that he had to go in the hospital. His blood pressure was too low, and he needed IV fluids and anti-nausea medication, plus meds to bring his BP up. He spent 2 nights in the CCU and one night in a normal hospital room. When he finally got to come home, he couldn't interact directly with Reed for a few days, so it was a very rough time, trying to take care of sick husband and sick baby. I only caught the stomach bug, but it was certainly no fun, and I broke my ~20 year streak of not throwing up. Many family members came to help us while we were sick and recovering, but every single person that helped us got sick! My brother also tested positive for the flu, but everyone else 'only' had the stomach bug. So glad we are all recovering now and doing much better. I have never missed so much work due to illness as I missed in the last week. I guess it's all part of the fun of having a small child. ;) Now there is a confirmed case of RSV at Reed's daycare so hopefully he can avoid catching that. Through all of this I am so grateful that Reed and Charles are now safe and healthy. It was scary for a little while there when Charles was in the hospital.

Now we are gearing up for Reed's baptism which will be right after Thanksgiving. Still making arrangements but my sister, Sarah, and her husband, Rick will be the godparents. They got Reed a little white suit to wear. It's going to be marvelous and I can't wait. :)

This post feels a little disjointed but I'm trying to do a few things at once so that's the best it's going to be for now. :) Have a great day everyone!

Shame

I haven't really posted about this, but I am going to step out of my comfort zone and talk about something personal.
I love my little baby boy, but having him was difficult. Not physically difficult, although that certainly had its challenges and its recovery period. I mean that it was emotionally difficult. All the hormones, the lack of sleep, the huge change in life and priorities and routine... it was hard. Although I love Reed so much, I was not handling things very well. It quickly became apparent that I had either Post Partum Depression or the Baby Blues. I am still not really clear on where one stops and the other starts. Although I never had thoughts of harming little Reed or myself, I did have many many many unpleasant and intrusive thoughts. I thought I was a horrible mother, that Reed would be better off without me, that life was difficult and unpleasant, that things would never get better... the list goes on and on. It was bad. I went to the OB/GYN and saw the amazing Nurse Practitioner, Donna, who I had seen throughout the pregnancy. She asked me some quesetions and determined that I had some mix of both depression and anxiety, and so she prescribed Prozac (actually it was generic prozac, fluoxetine, and it was the exact same dosage that my dog gets, which amused me!). We talked a little about how long it would take to kick in, and what side effects there might be. At this time I was still on maternity leave and the timing would be such that it ought to kick in before I started back to work.
I left the doctor's office and felt so relieved because I had finally done something to help myself and maybe there was hope. But then hubby and I googled Prozac and Nursing, since I am breastfeeding. Of course we read some terrifying stuff. The baby had already been wearing me out and fussing every night (the witching hour, the period of purple crying, or whatever you want to call it). We read that prozac can cause fussiness and sleeping problems in the babies of moms that breastfeed while on prozac. Why would I want to take something that would make things WORSE? I decided to go ahead and fill the prescription but wait to start taking it. When I got to the pharmacy, the lady at the counter was giving me the spiel about the medication, and I asked her if it was OK to take while breastfeeding. She seemed so shocked and said something like, "I'm so glad you asked, because this medication IS passed through breastmilk and should NOT be taken while you're breastfeeding." She proceeded to scare me more, and asked why the doctor would prescribe this to a nursing mom. I told her that I was relatively certaint that the NP is fully aware that I am breastfeeding since we had talked about it in my appointment. She went ahead and sold me the medication (only $4, thank you, walmart!) but I started to get upset. Then the pharmacy tech offered me some advice. What if instead of taking the medicine, I just took better care of myself? "Oh honey, I was bummed when I had kids too. Just make sure you take some time for YOU every day. Be sure to take a shower every day and wash your hair. You'll feel so much better." I started crying right there in walmart. Partly because she was being so kind to me, and partly because her advice was laughably stupid. You can't treat a chemical imbalance with a shower. And the problem was partly that I had NO time for me. When you're taking care of an infant, his needs come first. Your shower can wait. Ugh. So I took the Prozac home and had a conversation with my hubby and we decided to wait and not take it yet.
A couple weeks later I had a follow-up appointment with Donna. I ashamedly told her I had not been taking the medicine. She was frustrated on my behalf. I told her about the lady at walmart and she got kind of mad. "If she was concerned that I didn't know you were breastfeeding, she could have called me! She didn't need to upset you for no good reason." We talked more about the side effects, and I decided to start taking the medication.
Let me tell you-- best decision I've made in a long time! It really makes such a difference. Life is not perfect, there are still hard times. But now I feel like I can cope with things! I feel like there is hope, and that I can get by, and sometimes even do more than just get by! This is such an improvement over the feelings of hopelessness and overwhelming stress that I had before. And other people have noticed and commented on how 'tranquil' I am. Tranquil is not a word that I would EVER use to describe myself, but whatever. I never wanted to admit that I was on medication or that I had a hard time. There is so much stigma about it. Everyone else around me that has had a baby just makes it look so easy. You never hear about the bad times, or people never let on that they are bothered. So then when it happened to me, I felt like I was broken. There was something wrong with me as a mom. Did I not love my son enough? If I loved him, why was I not happy? Now I realize that is a trap. I can be both happy and stressed. I can love Reed Baby and still feel overwhelmed. I can feel like I am a horrible mom, but also know that I am doing my best and that the little things don't matter. I don't want to fall into the trap of not talking about the baby blues or PPD or medication, and then contributing to the problem of creating an expectation that having a baby is easy and perfect.
If you read this and you ever go through it, please know that it is OK to ask for help. It's OK to take medication or to go to therapy or to need some time away. I'm so happy I got help! If you have any questions, hit me up. Ask me about it. I used to be ashamed that I needed help but now I am just thankful that help is available! Take care. :)

Thankful

I am so grateful that the government shutdown is over, at least for now. Things have been tense at work. We were very concerned we would get furloughed because of the shutdown, but luckily that crisis was averted and now we are on to face other challenges. But even though things are still somewhat up in the air, I wanted to pause very purposefully and give thanks to God for taking care of this obstacle. I am so appreciative, and I don't want to always be thinking of the next thing to ask for.

Speaking of thankfulness, I am so grateful that Reed Baby is healthy and is growing and developing so well. Things started out difficult-- I am not a great mom intuitively, and I was pretty overwhelmed. Now that Reed is getting a little more mature and I am getting better at anticipating his needs, things are improving. The ladies at his daycare really dote on him, and Charles has been doing a fantastic job of getting him up and ready in the mornings. I am just so grateful for our handsome and healthy little boy. :)

Return to Work

Yesterday was my first day back at work after my 6 weeks of maternity leave. I was really looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. I had pretty high anxiety about coming back but everyone has been awesome and I am easing into things. I am so tired! Luckily Reed had a good first day of daycare, and I think he was so worn out that he slept a little better last night, too!
I am looking forward to getting back into a routine. :)
I'll have to update more later, because duty calls!